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The Homo Dog
53 sentences about my dog, by James Anderson. 1 portrait by Andreas Larsson.
- Kenny came from a London dog rescue centre in the year 2000, having been dumped there by his previous owners.
- Kenny is about 60cm high and 80cm long.
- Kenny has very muscular back legs.
- Kenny needs two hours of exercise per day.
- Kenny often completely ignores people when they're speaking to him.
- Kenny is a Lurcher who likes homosexuals best, probably as he is in their company most of all.
- Kenny was hired as a 'high fashion' model a few years ago - being photographed for the brochure of a well-known shoe label.
- Kenny was snapped for the shoe brochure by esteemed fashion photographer Alasdair McLellan.
- Kenny had to be bribed with crisps (beef flavour) to adopt the appropriate poses for the shoe brochure.
- Kenny is good at doing tragic facial expressions in order to get his own way - how gay.
- Kenny doesn't mind at all if you put sunglasses, headscarves, necklaces or hats on him - again, how gay.
- Kenny's favourite toy is a plastic hamburger.
- Kenny has no testicles, as he was castrated at the age of four in order to stop his bad habit of running into busy roads while in pursuit of some hot bitch or other.
- Kenny might be a bit of a Betty Both-ways, actually, as he routinely humps the legs of men or women (despite supposedly having no sex drive due to his lack of testicles).
- Kenny didn't seem to be too perturbed when a Labrador tried to bum him, in Hyde Park.
- Kenny has a very gruff and butch bark.
- Kenny barks extremely excitedly, though, if he hears Rock Lobster by the B-52s being played loud.
- Kenny often chases, catches and eats flies and spiders.
- Kenny has caught and killed three squirrels and two rats in the past few years.
- Kenny is aged 10, which means he is aged 70 in dog years.
- Kenny has moved house five times in the past six years - but just couldn't care less.
- Kenny smells quite pleasant, all things considered.
- Kenny, unlike many dogs, doesn't have bad breath.
- Kenny has quite an impressively large cock, which he thoroughly licks now and then.
- Kenny never ever shits or pisses in his home, favouring trees or bushes instead.
Kenny looks awkward and sort of exposed when he crouches in an ungainly fashion to do one of his customary sloppy shits. - Kenny was formerly the fashion editor (not a very good one, admittedly, but it was only a bit of a joke anyway...) of a website promoting London-based designers, back in 2001, which subsequently evolved into the award-winning B Store, now based on Savile Row.
- Kenny sleeps for at least 18 hours out of every 24 hours, mostly on the sofa.
- Kenny's favourite food is tuna fish.
- Kenny, unlike most folks you seem to meet in London, is actually from London.
- Kenny is called Kenny because his previous owners had called him Noddy, which is a rubbish name for such a handsome and dignified beast, and because his ears visibly twitched at the mention of the name Kenny when potential new names were subsequently being suggested for him.
- Kenny once ran off while on famous cruising hot-spot Hampstead Heath... Who knows what he got up to in the hour-or-so that he was missing?
- Kenny once sniffed the dog owned by TV entertainer Julian Clary, in Regent's Park.
- Kenny once looked hopefully at the dog owned by rock star Bobby Gillespie and esteemed stylist Katie England, who were pushing a pram in Regent's Park... but Bobby Gillespie and Katie England's dog didn't seem very interested.
- Kenny's best dog friends include an 8-year-old greyhound named Bob, but his favourite lady friend - a whippet named Wilma - recently died from cancer.
- Kenny's favourite at-home pastime is watching TV - he seems fascinated by The Jeremy Kyle Show on ITV in the mornings.
- Kenny looked anxious and would not walk anywhere near Tavistock Square in the weeks after the bus bombing there in 2008.
- Kenny once caused the man who runs the local kebab shop to ask, in all seriousness, 'Excuse me, mate, is that a dog?'
- Kenny's distinctive patterned fur - a mix of brown, black, grey and white - is known in dog terminology as 'brindle'.
- Kenny once bit the former Editor of I-D magazine at a party, because he pulled his tail.
- Kenny favours a dark green quilted jacket when it's cold outside - he never really took to the tartan one he used to have.
- Kenny chewed a pair of Bernhard Willhelm trainers to bits last winter - maybe he is not a fan of directional footwear?
- Kenny costs approximately $5 per week to feed.
- Kenny's most expensive trip to the vet cost $350, in the year 2003, after he ate rat poison, which the caretaker had liberally sprinkled about in the communal parts of the building, and became very ill indeed.
- Kenny has since cost $12 per month for medical insurance, to cover all future trips to the vet.
- Kenny means it is difficult to stay in bed late in the mornings, sadly, as he likes to go out first thing.
- Kenny sometimes goes for walks with a professional dog-walker, when life is very busy, costing an expensive £10 per hour.
- Kenny stays with friends when it's holiday time - but usually looks fatter afterwards, as though he hasn't been exercised enough and has been fed too much.
- Kenny prefers to stay well out of the way when special gentleman callers come visiting... having first made sure to register his disapproval with a most withering look.
- Kenny could be perceived as a 'fur child' by a psychiatrist, yes it's true.
- Kenny used to annoy his owner's ex-lover by sometimes jumping up on the bed in the middle of the night.
- Kenny might be a virgin.
- Kenny looks bored, then turns away, if you show him a copy of BUTT.